I keep getting stuck trying to figure out whether I’m dealing with addiction or my mental health, because they seem to feed into each other. When I’m depressed or overwhelmed, I reach for whatever gives me a quick escape. Then the consequences make me feel worse, and that can push me right back toward the same thing.
The confusing part is that I can have a real mental health problem and still be responsible for the choices I make. Sometimes I tell myself it’s only my depression, because that feels less shameful. Other times I blame everything on addiction and ignore the anxiety or sadness underneath it.
I’m trying to pay more attention to patterns instead of arguing with myself about one perfect explanation. What was happening before I used, what I was hoping it would fix, and how I felt afterward. It doesn’t always give me a clear answer, but it does show me that treating only one side probably isn’t enough.
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@Michele_Rose, the part about tracking what you hoped the behavior would fix helped me look at it more honestly. I started writing down one sentence before and after, instead of trying to label the whole problem. A lot of the time, I was seeking relief from anxiety, but the behavior had also become automatic.
That didn’t excuse my choices, but it showed me where to make a different choice. I could work on the underlying feelings while putting practical limits around the addictive behavior. Talking through both pieces with a therapist made it easier not to use one explanation to avoid the other.
@Michele_Rose, I think the way you’re looking at what happens before and after is useful. I’ve found that the “what was I hoping this would fix?” question can be uncomfortable, but it gets closer to the truth than arguing over which label fits.
Taking responsibility doesn’t mean beating yourself up. It can just mean being honest about the choice while still treating the depression or anxiety underneath it. For me, both pieces need attention, or the same pattern tends to come back.