I still catch myself judging everything through my ex’s eyes. A small mistake can turn into, “There you go again,” before I’ve even had a chance to think about what actually happened.
I’m trying to pause when that voice shows up and ask whether it’s really my opinion or just something I absorbed over time. Sometimes I write down what happened, then add what a fair-minded friend might say about it. That helps a little, although I still slip back into the old way of seeing myself.
The hardest part is trusting my own reactions again. I don’t want to swing from blaming myself for everything to blaming my ex for everything. I just want my view of myself to belong to me.
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That “There you go again” voice can feel automatic, like it gets there before you do. I’ve found it helps to treat it as an old recording, not a fact. It may still play, but I don’t have to take direction from it.
The fair-minded friend idea is good. Sometimes I ask myself what I’d say to someone I care about who made the exact same mistake. Usually I’m much more reasonable with them, and that gives me a better starting point for how to speak to myself.
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@Lisa_Melendez, writing down the facts before judging yourself sounds like a solid way to separate what happened from that old voice. I’ve started doing something similar after small mistakes, especially when I notice I’m filling in motives that nobody actually said.
One time I spilled coffee on some paperwork and immediately heard that familiar criticism in my head. I wrote down only what happened, cleaned it up, and moved on. It felt ordinary, but it helped me see that my reaction could belong to me again.
@Kelly_Armstrong, calling it an old recording makes sense. I’ve noticed that arguing with that voice can keep me stuck in it, while simply labeling it gives me a little distance.
The fair-minded friend question helps me too, especially when I catch myself turning one mistake into a judgment about my whole character. I’m trying to offer myself the same patience I’d give someone I care about, even if it doesn’t feel natural yet.