I keep reaching for weed whenever my thoughts get too loud. At first it felt like a way to relax, but now it’s more like I’m trying to shut my whole head off. I tell myself I’ll take a break, then end up using again when I’m stressed, bored, or just don’t want to deal with what I’m feeling.
The part that bothers me is how automatic it’s become. I’m starting to plan around it and hide how often I’m using. When I’m sober, my thoughts feel even harder to sit with, so smoking seems like the easiest answer. Then I feel foggy and disappointed afterward.
I don’t think I can fix this by just promising myself I’ll stop. I probably need to tell someone I trust and get help figuring out what’s underneath all of this. Has anyone found a way to get through the first few days without immediately going back to it?
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@Douglas_Baker, the automatic part was what got me too. One thing that helped was making the first hour of an urge very specific: I left the house, walked around the block, and called someone instead of sitting there arguing with myself. The craving usually eased enough to make a different choice.
I also told one trusted person exactly how often I was using, rather than just saying I wanted to cut back. That took away some of the hiding and gave me someone to check in with during the first few days. Talking with a therapist or doctor could help with the thoughts underneath it too, especially since being sober feels so intense right now.
@Douglas_Baker, the planning and hiding were signs for me that it had moved past casual use. Telling one person the exact truth helped more than making another private promise. I asked them to check in with me at the time I usually smoked.
For the first few days, I kept my evenings very structured. I got rid of what I had at home, took a walk as soon as the urge started, and put off deciding for 20 minutes while doing something physical. It didn’t erase the thoughts, but it made the automatic choice less automatic.
Since being sober feels unusually intense, I’d bring that part up with a doctor or therapist rather than trying to tough it out alone. If the thoughts become frightening or you feel unsafe, get urgent help right away.